Some ways of keeping a healthy relationship
- Keep your expectations of the other person realistic.
- Talk with each other, as communication is essential.
- Take the time to be there.
- Listen genuinely with your ears and your heart.
- Show interest by asking questions that are appropriate.
- Share information without overwhelming the person.
- Be flexible to change.
- Take care of yourself, as well.
- Be dependable to the person who is in your relationship, as well as others who you have commitments to.
- When there is conflict take time to talk about it. Don’t be critical of the person; it is the problem you want to tackle. Saying you are sorry when you are wrong is a good start. Be prepared to compromise or disagree about something. You can always move out of a relationship because healthy relationships are in the now, not a hoped-for future.
- Show emotional warmth.
- Keep your life balanced.
- Know that it is a process and can be learned and practiced to keep getting better.
- Be yourself as it is easier and more fun than trying to be somebody else.
A Key to resolving conflicts in healthy relationships are:
Communication & Conflict Resolution
When people are asked what they consider the most important ingredients in a good relationship, communication is typically high on the list. Yet rarely, if ever, are we actually taught HOW to communicate effectively.
Particularly when there are important decisions regarding marriage, sex, career, and family to be made, healthy communication is critical. The following are some guidelines for successful communication and conflict resolution.
Understand Each Others’ Family Patterns:
Find out how conflicts were managed in your partner’s family and talk about how conflict was approached (or avoided!) in your own family. If your family wasn’t good at communicating or constructively resolving conflict, give yourself permission to try out some new ways of handling things.
Timing Counts: Sometimes “Right Away” is not the “Best Way”
Research on happy couples suggests that it is important that couples “time” their fights in the way that works best for them. Contrary to previous notions, the best time to resolve a conflict may not always be “right away” or even as soon as possible. It is not unusual for one or both partners to need some time to cool off. This “time-out” period can help you avoid saying or doing hurtful things in the heat of the moment and can help partners more clearly identify what changes are most important. Remember—if you are angry with your partner but don’t yet know what you want, it will be nearly impossible for your partner to figure it out!
Establish an Atmosphere of Emotional Support
Emotional support for each other is critical. Emotional support means giving your partner the message that you’re behind him or her. This does not mean agreeing with one another all the time. Realistically, no two people will agree on all occasions. Emotional support involves accepting your partner’s differences and not insisting that he or she meet your needs only in the precise way that you want them met. Find out how your partner chooses to show his or her love for you and don’t set absolute criteria that require your partner to always behave differently before you’re satisfied
Adopt a “Win-Win” Position
A “win-win” stance means that your goal is for the relationship rather than either partner to “win” in a conflict situation. If your partner feels bullied, out-talked, or otherwise the “loser” in a fight, you may win the battle but lose ground in the relationship. A better approach may be to use “fair fighting” techniques. A “fair fight” involves a step-by-step strategy for resolving conflict in which both partners negotiate a mutually acceptable solution to a problem.
Discuss One Thing at a Time
Starting out by talking about one concern and then bringing up another when the first discussion is unfinished can also lead to problems. Do your best to keep the focus on resolving one concern at a time, even if it is tempting to “list”
other concerns or grievances.
Restrain Yourself
Dr. John Gottman, a prominent researcher in the area of enduring
relationships, has found that couples who “edit” themselves and do not
say all the angry things they may be thinking are typically the happiest.
He also found that “softening” the beginning of a fight was important.
In situations where one partner made a critical or contemptuous comment
“right off the bat,” the couple’s conflict escalated quickly.
Recommended Reading
Fanning, Patrick, Matthew McKay & Martha Davis. Messages: The Communication Skills Book. New Harbinger, 1995.
Gottman, John M. & Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press, 2000.
Purcell, Maud. "The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples." Retrieved 8/26/02, from http://psychcentral.com/, Dr. John Grohol's Mental Health Page. Used with permission.
Useful Websites
The University of Chicago Student Counseling & Resource Service Virtual Pamphlet Collection, an excellent source of online information for college students on a wide range of topics, selected for appropriateness to U of C students.
The Unabridged Counseling Virtual Pamphlet collection, containing a larger selection of online pamphlets.
Dr. John Grohol's Psych Central Mental Health Page, another source of online information on mental health topics.
The Gottman Institute, which contains self-help tips for marriage and couples.
